Who are these people?

The folks that come up with the next greatest baby product or service – who are these people? I can tell you that they certainly are NOT parents. I know this because of two reasons: a) once a parent has figured out how to get their baby to eat strained veggies that taste as bad as they look, well, their creative juices are kaput and b) these products and services stink almost as bad as the subjects they were designed for.

Let’s start off with the baby monitor. Any one who has been in close proximity to a newborn, let’s say within 3 city blocks, can tell you that these bundles of noise need no assistance in being heard. Yet someone took it upon themselves to invent a contraption that can broadcast the wails of a child. Why?! Who are these people? And who buys baby monitors? It’s certainly not the parents! Because once a parent has gotten their kid or kids asleep and has managed to fall a slumber as well, the last thing they need is the amplified sound of their baby crying just mere feet, nay, inches from their ears! Yeah, that’s just a fantastic idea. And God forbid if you get the receiver and the speaker mixed up and put them in the wrong rooms. Many an unsuspecting parent has done such a thing, thus allowing the kids to hear clearly the sounds coming from the parents’ bedroom. There just isn’t enough therapy to fix that blunder.

So now that baby and parent are awake, it’s time to get baby dressed. What to wear? What to wear? Fear not, because thanks to non-parent clothing designers, there is no shortage in cutesy-wootsey outfits and apparel to don upon said child. Who are these people? Whose idea was it to encourage parents to spend their hard earned cash to buy adorable clothes that will be put on some of the leakiest things known to mankind? Thou thinks I doth exaggerate too much? Really? There’s stuff coming from the rear, the front, and the top. A baby has 7 openings, 5 of which are prone to emit fluids and or solids without warning or provocation. And someone wants to dress it up? Wait, I’ll give you a moment, I know some of you are still doing the math thing. Okay, I suggest we design a onesie that is the equivalent of camouflage for babies. It will have all the shades of brown green and yellow. Thus, making it a challenge for anyone to determine what the child either did or did not eat, and whether it found purchase on the garment while it was on its way in or coming out.

And finally, the creators of baby websites: who are these people? Whose bright idea was it to create a place for manic minded parents that are numb from sleep deprivation to share their question or ideas with other like minded poor souls? I, personally, would like to thank m-heart-m 380 from Des Moines for her posting about how newborn poop smells like curried yogurt. She’s right…and thanks to her…I can no longer eat Indian food!

In summation, I deplore implore of you: If you know any designers or inventors of baby products or services, please ask them to cease their mayhem, to find new careers, and to leave it in the hands of those that know what others like them really need! As soon as we have an opportunity to catch a little shu… ZzZzZz

PS My plan is to deliver this during the next Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest. I'll take any tips or suggestions for making this funnier.