Who are these people?

The folks that come up with the next greatest baby product or service – who are these people? I can tell you that they certainly are NOT parents. I know this because of two reasons: a) once a parent has figured out how to get their baby to eat strained veggies that taste as bad as they look, well, their creative juices are kaput and b) these products and services stink almost as bad as the subjects they were designed for.

Let’s start off with the baby monitor. Any one who has been in close proximity to a newborn, let’s say within 3 city blocks, can tell you that these bundles of noise need no assistance in being heard. Yet someone took it upon themselves to invent a contraption that can broadcast the wails of a child. Why?! Who are these people? And who buys baby monitors? It’s certainly not the parents! Because once a parent has gotten their kid or kids asleep and has managed to fall a slumber as well, the last thing they need is the amplified sound of their baby crying just mere feet, nay, inches from their ears! Yeah, that’s just a fantastic idea. And God forbid if you get the receiver and the speaker mixed up and put them in the wrong rooms. Many an unsuspecting parent has done such a thing, thus allowing the kids to hear clearly the sounds coming from the parents’ bedroom. There just isn’t enough therapy to fix that blunder.

So now that baby and parent are awake, it’s time to get baby dressed. What to wear? What to wear? Fear not, because thanks to non-parent clothing designers, there is no shortage in cutesy-wootsey outfits and apparel to don upon said child. Who are these people? Whose idea was it to encourage parents to spend their hard earned cash to buy adorable clothes that will be put on some of the leakiest things known to mankind? Thou thinks I doth exaggerate too much? Really? There’s stuff coming from the rear, the front, and the top. A baby has 7 openings, 5 of which are prone to emit fluids and or solids without warning or provocation. And someone wants to dress it up? Wait, I’ll give you a moment, I know some of you are still doing the math thing. Okay, I suggest we design a onesie that is the equivalent of camouflage for babies. It will have all the shades of brown green and yellow. Thus, making it a challenge for anyone to determine what the child either did or did not eat, and whether it found purchase on the garment while it was on its way in or coming out.

And finally, the creators of baby websites: who are these people? Whose bright idea was it to create a place for manic minded parents that are numb from sleep deprivation to share their question or ideas with other like minded poor souls? I, personally, would like to thank m-heart-m 380 from Des Moines for her posting about how newborn poop smells like curried yogurt. She’s right…and thanks to her…I can no longer eat Indian food!

In summation, I deplore implore of you: If you know any designers or inventors of baby products or services, please ask them to cease their mayhem, to find new careers, and to leave it in the hands of those that know what others like them really need! As soon as we have an opportunity to catch a little shu… ZzZzZz

PS My plan is to deliver this during the next Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest. I'll take any tips or suggestions for making this funnier.

I Am a Weiner!

I came, I saw, I confessed. And as a result I won the True Confessions blog contest over at Ordinary Days.

oh the joy

Look at what I can win in the confessions contest over at Ordinary Days.


I am hoping for the sponge instead.

Sad, But True (And Funny, If You're Not Me)

Okay, so I was enjoying the cold misery of Tracey Michele when I came across this posting about a contest with prizes over at Me The Mama. And nooo, the contest wasn't how many links one can fit into a sentence!

We are being encouraged to come clean and make a confession to our fellow bloggers. Here goes nuttin', kids!

One evening many moons ago when the wifey and I were first married and were living on meager means, we had decided to have a romantic evening. We opened a bottle of wine and using wine glasses that we recieved as a wedding gift, sat down on our futon in the living room to watch a movie. Well, we polished off the screw-on-cap bottle of wine, and feeling quite amorous, and just a tad more than happy thanks to our liquid dinner, we moved on to the bedroom where we had a great time.

Afterwards, I got up to watch some TV in the living room where I had noticed that one of our cats had had an accident on our futon. I grabbed the first container I could find, an empty wine glass, filled it with warm water from the kitchen tap, and returned to said futon. Using one of my socks that I had discarded in haste earlier that evening, I proceeded to have at the stain, rinsing the sock in the water filled wine glass, as needed. It came out nicely, so I set my improvised cleaning materials down on the coffee table and watched a little TV before retiring to bed (to sleep).

The next morning, a Saturday, we got up to do our typical round-the house stuff, which included tidying up. I came across the wine glasses on the coffee table, and before I could think about it, decided to finish the bit of Chardonnay that was in one of them. It wasn't Chardonnay and after I told my wife what the liquid was, she laughed so hard that we almost had another accident that would've needed cleaning.

That's my true confession.

I Can Now Say…

…I have performed on stage at the Improv! Yes, it’s true. However, no, I wasn’t doing stand-up. This past Saturday, I competed at the Division E Toastmasters Evaluation Contest.

First, I do believe a bit of a back-story is in order...

In a previous post, I provided the contents of a speech that I gave at my Toastmasters’ club Humorous Speech contest. I had also won the Evaluation Contest, which is where the contestants all listen to the same speech. Then they prepare their notes for five minutes and leave the room. Then, one-by-one, each contestant is called back into the room, given their notes, and they deliver a 2 to 3 minute evaluation. Winning both events meant I was to compete at the Area contest, where the winners from 5 or 6 clubs will compete. Our Area Contest was last Wednesday. I won the Evaluation Contest and came in 2nd with my Phoenix Speech for the Humorous Speech contest. So, this past Saturday I competed in the Division Contest, which consists of 7 area winners. The audience consisted of about 100 Toastmasters and guests. So how did I do?

Technically, I tied for 2nd place. The rules state that there are to be no ties, so a secret tie-breaking judge cast their ballot putting me into 3rd place. I’m not bothered by coming in 3rd place. Especially when you consider that it was third out of all the contestants that had competed and lost in the all the area and club contests prior. Not too shabby! And the best part, it was a great experience. When public speaking is a passion, one is never sorry for the chance to appear on stage, even if they don’t come in first.

I Am a Wiener!

As I posted last Wednesday, I had competed at my Toastmasters club's Humorous Speech Contest using the 'Phoenix' speech. Having been to 'Phoenix', I believe that this speech is giving the town more notoriety than it may rightfully deserve, but so be it.

So, how did I do? Out of three contestants, I came in first. And I learned that it was NOT a landslide so I have some work to do before I compete at the Area Contest two weeks from tomorrow.

We actually had two contests. The humorous speech contest and the evaluation contest. In the latter, all contestants (we had 9) listen to a test speaker. We are then given 5 minutes to prepare our notes. Then all the contestants, except for the one who drew to go first, are escorted out of the room and each contestant gives a 1 to 2 minute evaluation. Once the contestant has finished they can stay in the room. I am happy to say that I placed first in that contest as well.

I guess that makes me a double-wiener.

Wish me luck for both contests!